Before G-d

It is not G-d who is lost, it is I.

Last Summer I had a wee little break down. I took a bit of time off, though my institution made me feel like shit about it. They told me I was unreliable and irresponsible and not self aware. Once again my dream, my identity was chipped away by the people I thought were here to build me up.

I thought I was unreasonable when anxiety completely disabled me last Fall. I had just ended a year of long distance, I was doing better in school, I had just gotten engaged, all good things. But all change. I love my other half and never doubt our relationship for a second, but our relationship and my commitment to her does change how I relate to the world. Suddenly, I cannot console myself with dreams of running away when I the voice in my head tells me I will inevitably fail. I can't tell myself I can live on the streets which is the natural end to the series of perceived failures I have whenever anxiety takes over the thinking and verbalizing parts of my brain. By moving yet again, I have to re acclimate to a million little things. The building, the commute, the non-romantic network I have: small things that add up. And while I fought through this with the help of my friends, therapy, my rabbi, my family, one relationship really took back seat. My relationship with G-d.

How can I relate to the Almighty, when I have no time? When it seems like the place to where the Deity had steered me was a trap? When getting out of bed and eating take so much out of me, how can I pray? I've prayed pretty consistently for my whole life, but that is what I had to set down to make it through this year. When work violated Shabbat for me. When holidays were plastic bags suffocating me. When my soul returning to me sometimes felt like waking up in a prison. I could not thank G-d for such miracles. I could not be grateful to arrive at each new season.

I'm doing better. School and work are over soon and I am taking a Summer off. And this time, the institution cannot make me feel guilty. My life is more in my control.

Occasionally, throughout this troublesome year, I went to prayer at school or on a night off. I heard the whisper of G-d. I saw a flash of what I once felt. But never while alone. I've been edging closer for weeks. But I've fallen out of the habit. Prayer is a commitment. Relationships take time and effort.

First Rebbe Nachman helped me through the days, if he had to take one day at a time, so could I—while building myself back up:

Then he reminded me “Use every means to build your faith. This includes finding ways to build solid faith in a righteous teacher...and in yourself” RNW 141). My rabbi helped keep my dream alive but at some point, it was up to me to dust off that part of myself.

Like any relationship, G-d is not there to fix me. I needed to meet G-d with a better version of myself, much like I hope G-d meets me. But I'm studying to be a Rabbi. What does it mean that I haven't prayed in so long?

It means I want to pray well. Heschel quoting Maimonides:

“[They] whose thoughts are wandering or occupied with other things need not pray until [they have] recovered [their] mental composure.”

The example he gives is of someone who has returned from a journey and needs to recover for three days. I was on a journey but maybe it took more than three days.

So today, I prayed by myself for the first time in months.

Blessed are you, our G-d, sovereign of the Universe, who fashioned human beings with wisdom, and created in them many pathways and openings, it is well known before your seat of glory that if one of them were wrongly opened or closed, it would be impossible to endure and stand before you.......

Something in me was wrongly opened and wrongly closed. We are not required to perform commandments which we cannot perform.

So many prayer spaces have ''Know Before Whom You Stand” written on them. I know G-d pretty well, we've been close for years, but this year I've discovered that it's just as important to 'know who is standing before'. So despite what members of my institution accused me of, I feel pretty self aware. Aware enough to work on myself so that I may have a better relationship with my spouse, my family and the One who made us all.