Perjury, Mysandry, and Moon Worship

It's clearly been too long since I've written about tefillin. There are really only so many (okay plenty) opportunities for me to reference bondage in seminary. 

Perjury, mysandry ad moon-worship

“one who says Shema without Tefillin is like one who has given false testimony” BT Brachot 14b

Today I did just that. Despite having checked the Halakha both in my gibberish list G-d Bondage and also with some more flushed out sources. You DO wrap tefillin on Rosh Chodesh but in some traditions, you take it off for Hallel. Unfortunately for me, I am a punctual person living in a place where times are lax. I let the fact that no one else had started wrapping, while knowing full well that most of the tefilliners weren't there yet, talk me out of fulfilling my mitzvah.

What IS a holiday?

The reason we might not wrap tefillin during Hallel is because its like a holiday....well sort of. For Rosh Chodesh, it could be more of a holiday because obviously, I'd like to highlight the moon-worshipping parts of my religion. The holiday justification for my internal failure worked for like five minutes. The problem was that the things I find important and moving about the New Moon are the same for biting into my flesh with leather....for G-d. They're primal, illogical...euphemistic.

Since I'm already perjuring myself, I will formally waive the 5^th Amendment rights of my native country, much as I wave my sense to many rights. See thanks to my tradition, joining it late in the game, and my vagina, I don't feel like I can just experiment with things like tefillin. What if I make a mistake? What if I am not ready when everyone else starts taking off their tefillin? As an observer, the men in my program do not seem to share these qualms. I see poorly wrapped G-d bondage every week.

See, my gender makes my life harder. If I display any religiosity, especially in the Holy Land, I must be ready for a battle. I have to worry about my clothing, what street I am on. Meanwhile if a male expresses religiosity, more doors literally open up. They get empowered while I get torn down.

And just when I thought I was getting a break, we were talking about moon festivals and how their a lady thing: what with the bleeding and having nothing else. So naturally when women want to have one nugget of empowerment, dudes—white cys dudes from socio-economically safe backgrounds—want in. Why can't there be men moon things? Many queerer folks laughed when they asked. And at the first sign of derision, they became offended. I lost class time I wanted to use to learn liturgy and Halaka, in order to explain them why their mysandry was funny. Because it's not that they can't have their own space but because the second they saw that women had something, they wanted that too.

It's like it all intersects.

It's been another month since my false testimony. In that month a Rabbi politely offered some tefillin tips to many in the congregation, as he noticed some errors. Sexism continues, but prayer halts. Ironically, I'm working on some stuff about how the man-centric, patriarchal language of the long passed High Holy days is important and for class, I've stopped praying for the moment. Everything is chaos and darkness at this time. But the light is coming.   

Utopian Revolution

What this post lacks in cohesion in makes up in idyllicism.

So one of the many rationalizations for the bad that exists is that without wrongness in the world, goodness would lose both motivation and impact. How can we define what we want without what we don't want?Some people thing we can't ascribe positive attributes to The Divine because they're limiting. We can only say what G-d is not. But aren't we G-d? Isn't this world?

"It is not your responsibility to finish the work of perfecting the world, but you are not free to desist from it either."Rabbi Tarfon, Pirke Avot 2:21

Maybe two summers ago, I read Utopia which is when I realized that the book became the word. Last week we discussed that the Zionist build Tel Aviv from nothing and what they were envisioning would become of their goals. Currently I am missing my streetier days filled with unwashed-ness, punks, and people generally living countercultures. And building counter futures.

What would a perfect world look like? A completed world?

“ונאמר והיה ה' למלך על כל הארץ. ביום ההוא יהיה ה' אחד ושמו אחד"

“It has been said, G-d will govern all the world. On that day G-d will be one and G-d's name will be one.”

Will we all be brainwashed into a singular faith and doctrine of behavior, like that season of Angel? Is perfection a loss of free will, or of distinction (I have feelings about Imagine)?

Then I heard this song: After The Revolution by David Rovics

He suggests many goals, which I've tried to tweak a little. Several are still unfortunately too idyllic. But hopefully represent the direction we should move toward. Spending less resources on killing, and more on growing food and spending time with loved ones.

Just stop making weapons.

Soldiers go home. Or stop volunteering.

Disarm WMDs.

Dismantle Battleships...or take the weapons off but keep the boats maybe.

Since no countries, less terrorists?

Since less hunger, less terrorist.

Since more education, less terrorist.

Let people out of prison. This one is real. Let so many people out of jail.

Cops put down guns, or at least get better training when to take it out. And how to talk about their feelings and prejudices.

Forgive Debt. Who really benefits from owning money from things that shouldn't have cost that much in the first place? The creation of debt and the lack of resources drives people into the army and the street-armies known as gangs. So does the criminalization of recreational drugs.

Billionares share, invest in farming and education. And education about farming.

Plant trees

Solar pannels

Trains

Food

I think my perfect world is summed up by a weird dream I've had for years: an apiary next to a florist.

I believe that it would be possible to be distinct, happy, fulfilled, and what I'll call nearly harmless. People need to eat good food, they need exercise, especially since I see human aggression as a psychological need, they need personal expression. And safety. And all of those needs are interconnected.

But if people learned and learned about farming and then farmed, then they'd have food. They'd be exhausted and less aggressive. We'd have food, build shelter, share things, have time to learn. We wouldn't be stressed out over debt. If you wanted to pray to things, you could pray to things. And maybe we'd all just suck less.

Thomas Moore did a better job, but I am not starting with an island version of a tabula rasa. I live in a messy complicated world. So I'm gonna start with more food and education and less weapons. Except, I'm not really in charge of a lot of those things. So that just brings me back to suck less.

That's pretty much my goal for Elul, suck less this year. It took a long time not to be destructive. Now it's time to be productive. And maybe some day after grad school, there'll be time for growing food and solar panels. I'll leave the accordion to those more suited towards it. 

Down The Bondage For G-d Tefillin Hole

Down The Leather-For-G-d Rabbit Hole

What the fuck is Tefillin, might you ask? My sexual proclivities aside, there's a legal and emotional power exchange that happens between a people and a deity. And a year and some time ago, I wrapped tefillin and felt like a MF-warrior. I was suited up to go to liturgical battle. It marked both my flesh where it had bound me and my soul the same.

Box. Box. Box. And that's not a euphemism. The actual line from the Torah says “bind these words”...betwixt your eyeballz and on your hand. Somehow, that has become having an ordained scribe, meticulously scribble holy passages onto scrollz and cram those scrollz into boxes and then binding those boxes on our bodies.

So I have two problems: 1) Why are there boxes. What's with this box? Why are the words hidden from me? 2) Most of the folks that make these ritual objects are not people I want to give my Jew-gold to. And I'm not the sort that they want to be laying the Tefillin on. So do we make them ourselves? It's hard. The boxes are hard, but we could make them without boxes.....

And if I try to take the Torah literally, I will be ignoring all of the Oral Law. I am unsure if I am cool enough to ignore Oral Law.

Why holy: tradition, commandment scripture uniform, forbidden

why me bondage warrior prayer ritual

So, now I am living in the land and wrapping tefillin on my own. I haven't been bringing them to services because the pair I have are fragile, and also, wrapping them might cut into my 15 minutes of shoveling food into my mouth between praying and class.

What is the land made of? How bound am I to Oral Law? The boxes though ridiculous and uncited, seem important in that they have become iconically Jewish. There's nothing Written about covering one's head with a beanie, yet Minhag, minhag, minhag (or as anglicized Tevye would say Tradition!). But, after all the shelac and paint and trouble, who's to know if that box is wood or leather? So maybe, I can cheat. Luckily, I know someone who works leather. And someone who works wood. Maybe, stateside, when their powers combine, form of Tefillin, that I had some queer, Italian, religious leaders make from different sides of the country. My country. And we'll cram some scrolls in, and maybe, for the sake of all that is Literal, and all that is rebellion, somewhere the words will be bound on the thing that's binding me and not only hidden inside. Here's some Halacha bullet points for those that would draw their own conclusions from my madness.

Tefillin—much like PESACH---is brought to you buy the number four.

4 sides to a square (six sides to a cube, noobs)

4 Quotes:

1) If you are holy to me and remember how you were slaves?

We are reminded that we used to be slaves but aren't anymore. This is to remind us that we willingly and voluntarily submit to G-d; and how hott is that!?

2. Something about the next generation. And the generations before and how if I ignore oral law, I ignore all of the Jews that come before me. Like a shondes.
3. The shema and the v'ahavta which is what we most pray while wearing Tefillin.
   (BT Brachot 14b) compares one who recites kriat shema without tefillin to one who offers a zevach (offering) without nesachim. According to the Gemara, both resemble one who bears false witness.
4. crops and food. And weather.

Also four ordinations: Rabbi, Schochet, Mohel, Sofer

1. Hide of outer most part of Kosher animal Orech Chayim 32:7
2. Must be written in Black Permanent ink ibid 32:3; Megillah 1:9 (12 a)
3. Must be tied shut with hair from a kosher animal ibid 32:42
4. Square leather box
5. Rosh must have right 3-shin, left 4-shin__shin-ception
6. Base of boxes must be wider called titura
7. titura must have an opening for the straps call maabarta
8. boxes sewn shut from thread made from sinew of vein
9. Must be bound with leather straps died black
10. rosh knot= delet; yad knot=yud

YUD Acceptance of the Yoke, love of hashem v'ahavta

HEH Acceptance of mitzvot dev 11:13

VAV dedication of material possessions to avodat hashem shemot 13:1 #essenes

HEH Divine control/Providence Exodus 13:11

Bind on left.

1. tefillin Israel's strenght ber 69
2. Wash, tefillin, shema, prayer=accepting yoke of heaven
3. Rabbi Zera “I rejoice for I have worn tefillin today: 30b
4. 2 tefillin, 1 mezuzah, 4 fringers, psalms 119, 164 Tosefta Bera 6:31
5. Elisha turns tefilin into a bird shabbos 49a
6. Days 1-6tefillin Day Shabbat eruvin 96a
7. Through tefillin one is guarded from evil by a 1000 angels.

Four letters in hashem

1. emanation

2. creation

3. formation

4. completion

seven midos or emanations

For the seven times you wrap it on your arm

1. greatness

2. power

3. glory

4. victory

5. splendor

6. heavan and earth

7. kingfdom

WHEN

all the time

weekday shacharit

not on shabbat or yom tov

morning except tisha b'av

not at night (because you might fall asleep

Whole servie

xcept rosh chodesh take off for musaf

xcept chol ha moed

take off between amidah and hallal

Tallis first

nothing in cluding kippa betwixt you and tefilin

you can cover tefillin afterward though

loop on arm

1^st blessing

wrap around arm, wind toward boday

shel rosh, return kippah

second blessing

finish shel yad

Areh Kaplan

tefilin represent birth because they imitate g-d. Men can't give birth since I don't plan on birthing, I should wrap tefillin

VOLUNTARY SUBMISSION

The box covers and darkens

death its past 

bloodless and impurity

thickening

cutting binding

how to escape from bondage

to freedom

and bondage once more

pouring out libations scratching

hoping to reveal not The Name

only silence

there never were sounds

the leather drowns

they rush and rage

the river escapes

but returns

vaporized to gas

and smoke to climb the mountain

How am i bound

binding my unbroken flesh to The Lord

Hurtling forward compelled 

by demons

by spiruts

by an echoing haunted Name

vows long sworn obligating a future of obligation

the hills are not mountains

the air remains thick

so though the light increases

let's not forget

at the price of burning the wick

consume me flame

devour me in festive oils

dissenting opinions minimize

until my one light alone

flickers out in the darkness

so far from home

December 2015

Darkness in The Land

“ Darkness, nighttime, no moon in the sky tonight”?

Rosh Chodesh, or the beginning of the month is determined by looking up at a creepily, climatologically, cloudless sky, to see the lack of moon.

The month of Av begins in darkness. Shabbat begins in darkness. Even the smallest spark shines in darkness.

This has been a less than satisfactory evening. Even in the burning, desert sun (oh ask me about the meeting of the Prime Meridian and the Equator: I have thoughts), the streets of Jerusalem are dark and unknowable to 'Rav Google'. But as luck would have it, that while no matter what I typed into maps, the place it brought me, while not the place I was trying to go, was a similarly-minded prayer-space. I felt secure even in my glaring failure. Glaring like the sun, still touching me.

Fool of a Took!

The person who, for wont of a better word, greeted me, was busy. I get that. I'm in the grad school; I also know from busy. I know from losing my cool. They definitely prioritized their business and I assume some professional-prayer-space-competition over the fact that I was lost, late, overheated, confused. Welcoming the stranger, for we were all strangers or something was transformed into a variation of fuck the stranger because they're looking for a different shul and I'm busy. I would have gladly stayed and prayed there. But since the only person I knew there treated me like seeping, festering, pestilence, I wandered the miles home right away, to spend Shabbat alone. Apparently, they were of a certain movement's affiliation. Never mind the fact that I'm at that movement's seminary, I didn't tell them because I was ashamed. Ashamed that a representative of the movement that I'm devoting a lot of myself to, treated a hot, tired, lost stranger that way. On the precipice of Shabbat. What are we even doing here?

So now I'm listening to angry, angry, dirty rap music. Because that's how I feel. There's no Sabbath Bride here. “How do we dance before the bride (BT Ket. 16b)?” We don't because she's not here. Luckily, this happened as I approach Tisha B'Av; I'm sure the nights of destruction were filled with large, haunting lights from fires and powerlessness. I could use a little empathy with degradation and destruction. As I listen to the music of my angsty, angsty youth, I realize how far I've come from feeling that way. I'm in a great school, pursuing my dreams, I have obnoxiously supportive parents who just want me to be happy, a loving girlfriend who is gonna be here for my next Shabbat, piles of family-level-friends all over this broken, beautiful world.

Last week, I felt close to my classmates for maybe the first time. We were jumping into a dark, water tunnel and had no flashlights. And a wonderful, brave, supportive classmate told me I could do this. He would jump in first and just paint me a word picture. His bravery inspired me. His confidence in my assisted bravery inspired me. We bumped into other classmates and strangers and actually had a fun time in this tunnel. It didn't take much light from before me or behind me to see enough of him and this weird tunnel. It didn't take much light from him to create a different outcome for that event.

It wouldn't have taken much light from that affiliated representative to change the course of my evening. That's not how my evening went and that's fine. My wonderful girlfriend lit up my night. So did cookies, cereal and Irish beer. It's the small things. And I will be better prepared to remember to welcome the stranger, no matter how busy I am or how far membership is down, for I was a stranger in the Land of Israel.

And this song--from a band that is known for rapping about murder and necrophilia--captures a lot of what Judaism is. The longing for a Temple many of us don't care about. A constant battle with the darkness of history and the challenge of a tradition that seeks to mould us as we mould it. So even in the darkness we can find some sort of light to bring us out of it. But we would see, or seek that light if it weren't for the occasional darkness. And we'll never know when, and, where, and how that light will appear. So we need to be seeking it and creating it all the time.

"Darkness"

How come this wasted time is such a loss expressed on my side?
I'd give you everything if you just let me stand beside you
Your kind is so amused and still confused by what you live with
Your darkness just won't go away
Your light, it's time for you to shine on today
Nothing but darkness in me

[Chorus]
Darkness, night time
No moon in the sky tonight
Feeling like our lives been tucked away, today
Life is darkness, forever remain, and again

How come these things you say they always seem to grow and haunt me?
I'd give you everything if you just let me stand beside you
You seem to think that I would let things slide and have you change me
This darkness just won't go away
No light, inside for me to shine on today
Nothing but darkness in me

[Chorus x2]
Darkness, night time
No moon in the sky tonight
Feeling like our lives been tucked away, today
Life is darkness, forever remain, and again

And again [x15]

No light, inside for me to shine on today
Nothing but darkness in me

[Chorus]
Darkness, night time
No moon in the sky tonight
Feeling like our lives been tucked away, today
Life is darkness, forever remain, and again

azlyrics.com

PS They also have a rap about crows, the crows here are weird.  

Houseless Not Homeless

Houseless Not Homeless

So I've definitely been in a position where I didn't have a place to be at night. That's not what this is. This is living primarily in my backpack and not knowing where I'll be that night because it could be any of a number of wonderful places.

It took a while to occur to me, just how home-full I was. It was when I realized I did not need to pick up beer to go over to a friends' house because I have beer stashed all over this city, like a squirrel in the Spring.

Sometimes it is exhausting to carry my work clothes, my homework, food for like two days, toiletries, and whatever else I might need. I schlep over a patch of land larger than my hometown. But how rewarding to know that I can live with anyone, that I am resourceful enough that I can sleep anywhere and still get done what needs to get done in my life.

Even more rewarding that this transience, this resting my head nomadic constant exodus, represents so many people who care for me so much that they share their (showers, food, clothes, hugs) space and their lives with me.

For the past several months, I've slept in the same spot a max of probably five nights consecutive, usually three at a time. But home is not where the crap is, home is where the heart is. How reassuring as I abandon all that is known and embark on a five-year, round world adventure. So when I could feel torn, rent asunder, divided between this house and that house, between this city and that city, state and state, between different countries; instead I will feel comforted. I will feel at home.  

Circled Lots

In honor of something I wrote in October because I obviously exist out of the temporal chronology that y'all are trapped in.

You have two lots a year: One is to spend all year prepping your soul for Yom Kippur. And the other is to spend it prepping your liver for Purim. Or at least your heart of joy.

So often Purim and Halloween are lumped together. Sure, they are celebrated with costumes and punishing my bad, bad liver but there's so much more going on. This year, I read a few disparaging articles about Jews participating in Halloween. It's hard because I was raised Catholic with a side of New Age Pagan and Halloween was a Big. Fucking. Deal. and a little religious.

If I had to rank holidays growing up:

1: Halloween; 2: Xmas; 3: maybe Easter?; 4: St. Patty's

I'm not belittling dressing up. It's magical in the Spring and in the Autumn. I love going to the bar with a raccoon and a zombie and I also love watching Katy Perry (aka my rabbi) tell me an ancient tale of feminine heroism. And what a joyous, happy story. That's not Halloween. Halloween is in the horror and death. One of the articles stated that Halloween doesn't express “Jewish Values.” They don't know from Halloween. And they apparently completely forgot the other day of pur: Yom Kippur—the second the shofar sounded and the gates closed.

The whole encapsulation of Horror isn't meant to be gore-porn. It's meant to help us confront death. The infatuation with spirits is the burning question of “what's next?” It's almost like at Yom Kippur literally prepare for death because of thses same reasons. We confront death so it doesn't rule our lives (Dying Gates). And the Celtic predecessor Samhain (''sowen'') marks the New Year, followed by several days when the world is in chaos. Hmm, what other new year is followed by days of unknowing before a celebration/exploration of mortality?

The world can be dark, and for a few months will be. So no matter how we dress, we will meet that challenge head-on. We will not be robbed our light in the darkness. #WinterIsComing #LightFestivalsAreComing

I Never Said I Was A Role Model

Xenophobia is part of a class of words in my history that I have learned outside of my mother language. Ironically I learned it in Spanish. There's a metric ton of it in The Torah. And that's a struggle I will always have.

True to form, I haven't been engaging in the cycle of bible as well as I'd like. But for sure, I'm tuning in for Yitro. In a recent letter to a friend (that's right #snailmail), I made a case about how one of the best things about The Torah is that the characters are flawed and approachable. Sometimes we squeeze water-virtue out of very human rock in order to create and maintain Biblical Heroes that are solid role models. And that too is important to the tradition and us as it forces us to always search out the best in everyone. Keep those optimistic muscles strong.

This week we don't have to work so hard. Enter Jethro, priest of Midian. The yoke of Oral Law is filling in an incomplete text, but if we go pashut (simple, literal), just what are we given of Jethro? He is the only person in Torah who is 100% helpful.

The only other gentile whom a Parsha is named after is Balak. He's sort of helpful, but he is compelled to be and he's mean to his donkey so screw him.

Yitro's virtues are many, feel free to get me started sometime. But in a story where someone will soon be rewarded for skewering an interfaith couple, Jethro's story is here to show us something more than menschlichkeit.

When we put up walls to keep things out we also trap ourselves. This idolater is maybe more Jewish than most. He houses the homeless, he takes care of his extended family and he gives great advice. He manages to embody the values, while characteristically embodying many gods.

He definitely sees that G-d is awesome—I'd have to agree (and I am not a contemporary of the miraculous Exodus), but he doesn't stay. And I'd have to conjecture that he doesn't end up a monotheist.

AND THAT'S OKAY.

I don't need Jethro to be 100% Kosher to be my 100% awesome role-model. He is tolerant, helpful, and kind. May we all be more like Yitro.

EPILOGUE

Oral Law Says:

He worked for Pharoah and repented

He gave us monotheism.

He made Moses promise to raise idol worshipers

Moses sent him away so he couldn't receive Revelation: the Talmud says because he wasn't a Jew and should not be there...I'd say, so he could stay not a Jew and be him.