על לא יודע

עד לא יודע

The worst sadnesses come directly off the highest of joys. Shabbat is a trigger. Maybe not a trigger, maybe not even the bullet, but the powder within. Especially the Shabbat of Purim. “When Adar Enters, Joy Increases” the sages say sagely. As I neared the end of a stressful event and we were welcoming in the Sabbath. The oneg, the joy was strong. Then dinner happened. 

The guests in question were from a large umbrella organization that is pretty directly affiliated with my school, profession, and life. When they bragged about providing their employees with healthcare, it was exciting. Maybe these white, wealthy, uniformly dressed men ARE good. The clothing situation should not be ignored. Recently, I have had several male teachers comment on appropriate dress to me. They who only need but pants and a button up shirt and very seldom have people comment on their bodies in the street. Though admittedly, it was a female teacher who gendered the attire conversation the most because devil-women have thighs and cleavage. And even on the pulpit, we will be sexualized and body shamed. 

Back to the guests. They bragged about how much female leadership they have and our rabbinate has. They have the first woman head of their organization! One to how many? Most of our rabbis are women! Never mind if they don't get the same kinds of positions or pay. Never mind that their male colleagues and teachers—even if unintentionally—don't listen to them. They vehemently denied that the results of the recent election had anything to do with sexism. And they [are big important men who] had access to classified intelligence...two of three of them. Hillary lost because of a list of things that every male politician, let alone the one that won, does a hundred times over. As long as you don't compare it to how men are treated it's not sexism and has nothing to do with sexism. And I as a lowly female could not insinuate that it was, what with all the privileged intelligence knowledge that they couldn't reveal....But fine, rich white dudes are sexist, but they're sort of leaning the right direction, I guess.

Then in a discussion about business: “everyone walks the line...afterwards you don't know which side of the edge you came out on.” One of them straight up admitted to taking a deal that was unethical. Apparently, the man who offered him the deal, he broke the law, but the man didn't and he got a great deal. One of the other men shook his head in agreement. My host, who for full disclosure I do not like but must defend here, tried to say she benefited from a similar deal...with a neighbor who knew her family...and neither of them were professionals who knew the business ethics and no one broke a law, but bless her for trying.

I left shortly, only not screaming at these men in disgust out of reverence for the Sabbath. Instead I cried in the shuttle all the way home. Is that the money helping me go to school? Are those the people at some point helping direct the way things work? My faith in this life path has never been so shaken as that night. I know a lot of people, clergy especially, who have put up with some institutional compromises to come out on the other side and do amazing, radical things. Should I just go on, knowing I will do my best to destroy these sorts of not-so-gray behaviors? Should I call out these dudes, if I could find them again? Should I drop out and live a radical life in my on personal sphere? How dare you, at the Sabbath table, brag of violating ethics. How dare you taint this mission that our people have. On this, the happiest of weekends, I wanted out of it all.

And yet we survived another Purim.

Yesterday, the day before St. Patrick's Day, was St. Urho's Day. Recently, I've learned a lot of my religion is a direct polemic against something else. The candle lighting which begins Shabbat celebrations, just a fuck you to someone. But that's real faith now. And I'm not in undergrad anymore so I don't know how the Flying Spaghetti Monster is doing up in the sky, but I haven't fallen off the earth yet, so it's gotta be up there. Even if Urho, is a ...uh...newer saint, I don't mind. I don't mind wearing purple and celebrating Finland even if it makes fun of one of the most important holidays of my year.

I don't know if I learned this fact as a kid, but this year I was blessed enough to make a pilgrimage to Ireland. While there I learned that the ''snakes'' that Patrick kicked out of the Emerald Isle were actually non-believers. Awesome. What could make St. Patty's more like Purim, if a persecuted population I loved and was affiliated with turned out to be the persecutor at the end of the story.

This year at least I, must confront a lot of things I do not like. Not even talking about the state of either State that I will live in this year. There's the slaughter and sexism in my religion, the pages of slaughter at the end of the Esther scroll. That the drunken saint of my youth forced conversions, is fine because eh, Catholic. That a sizeable chunk of the leadership and funding of my current faith community is entitled, sexist, unethical, dick bags, well maybe I'll drink a little extra this week, not just for the holidays. Just for a moment until I don't know.

Then I'll sober back up and get back to work.