It is not G-d who is lost, it is I.
Last Summer I had a wee little break
down. I took a bit of time off, though my institution made me feel
like shit about it. They told me I was unreliable and irresponsible
and not self aware. Once again my dream, my identity was chipped away
by the people I thought were here to build me up.
I thought I was unreasonable when
anxiety completely disabled me last Fall. I had just ended a year of
long distance, I was doing better in school, I had just gotten
engaged, all good things. But all change. I love my other half and
never doubt our relationship for a second, but our relationship and
my commitment to her does change how I relate to the world. Suddenly,
I cannot console myself with dreams of running away when I the voice
in my head tells me I will inevitably fail. I can't tell myself I can
live on the streets which is the natural end to the series of
perceived failures I have whenever anxiety takes over the thinking
and verbalizing parts of my brain. By moving yet again, I have to re
acclimate to a million little things. The building, the commute, the
non-romantic network I have: small things that add up. And while I
fought through this with the help of my friends, therapy, my rabbi,
my family, one relationship really took back seat. My relationship
with G-d.
How can I relate to the Almighty, when
I have no time? When it seems like the place to where the Deity had
steered me was a trap? When getting out of bed and eating take so
much out of me, how can I pray? I've prayed pretty consistently for
my whole life, but that is what I had to set down to make it through
this year. When work violated Shabbat for me. When holidays were
plastic bags suffocating me. When my soul returning to me sometimes
felt like waking up in a prison. I could not thank G-d for such
miracles. I could not be grateful to arrive at each new season.
I'm doing better. School and work are
over soon and I am taking a Summer off. And this time, the
institution cannot make me feel guilty. My life is more in my
control.
Occasionally, throughout this
troublesome year, I went to prayer at school or on a night off. I
heard the whisper of G-d. I saw a flash of what I once felt. But
never while alone. I've been edging closer for weeks. But I've fallen
out of the habit. Prayer is a commitment. Relationships take time and
effort.
First Rebbe Nachman helped me through
the days, if he had to take one day at a time, so could I—while
building myself back up:
Then he reminded me “Use every means
to build your faith. This includes finding ways to build solid faith
in a righteous teacher...and in yourself” RNW 141). My rabbi helped
keep my dream alive but at some point, it was up to me to dust off
that part of myself.
Like any relationship, G-d is not there
to fix me. I needed to meet G-d with a better version of myself, much
like I hope G-d meets me. But I'm studying to be a Rabbi. What does
it mean that I haven't prayed in so long?
It means I want to pray well. Heschel
quoting Maimonides:
“[They] whose thoughts are wandering
or occupied with other things need not pray until [they have]
recovered [their] mental composure.”
The example he gives is of someone who has returned from a journey and needs to
recover for three days. I was on a journey but maybe it took more
than three days.
So today, I prayed by myself for the
first time in months.
Blessed are you, our G-d, sovereign of
the Universe, who fashioned human beings with wisdom, and created in
them many pathways and openings, it is well known before your seat of
glory that if one of them were wrongly opened or closed, it would be
impossible to endure and stand before you.......
Something in me was wrongly opened and
wrongly closed. We are not required to perform commandments which we
cannot perform.
So many prayer spaces have ''Know
Before Whom You Stand” written on them. I know G-d pretty well,
we've been close for years, but this year I've discovered that it's
just as important to 'know who is standing before'. So despite what
members of my institution accused me of, I feel pretty self aware.
Aware enough to work on myself so that I may have a better
relationship with my spouse, my family and the One who made us all.
