Darkness in The Land

“ Darkness, nighttime, no moon in the sky tonight”?

Rosh Chodesh, or the beginning of the month is determined by looking up at a creepily, climatologically, cloudless sky, to see the lack of moon.

The month of Av begins in darkness. Shabbat begins in darkness. Even the smallest spark shines in darkness.

This has been a less than satisfactory evening. Even in the burning, desert sun (oh ask me about the meeting of the Prime Meridian and the Equator: I have thoughts), the streets of Jerusalem are dark and unknowable to 'Rav Google'. But as luck would have it, that while no matter what I typed into maps, the place it brought me, while not the place I was trying to go, was a similarly-minded prayer-space. I felt secure even in my glaring failure. Glaring like the sun, still touching me.

Fool of a Took!

The person who, for wont of a better word, greeted me, was busy. I get that. I'm in the grad school; I also know from busy. I know from losing my cool. They definitely prioritized their business and I assume some professional-prayer-space-competition over the fact that I was lost, late, overheated, confused. Welcoming the stranger, for we were all strangers or something was transformed into a variation of fuck the stranger because they're looking for a different shul and I'm busy. I would have gladly stayed and prayed there. But since the only person I knew there treated me like seeping, festering, pestilence, I wandered the miles home right away, to spend Shabbat alone. Apparently, they were of a certain movement's affiliation. Never mind the fact that I'm at that movement's seminary, I didn't tell them because I was ashamed. Ashamed that a representative of the movement that I'm devoting a lot of myself to, treated a hot, tired, lost stranger that way. On the precipice of Shabbat. What are we even doing here?

So now I'm listening to angry, angry, dirty rap music. Because that's how I feel. There's no Sabbath Bride here. “How do we dance before the bride (BT Ket. 16b)?” We don't because she's not here. Luckily, this happened as I approach Tisha B'Av; I'm sure the nights of destruction were filled with large, haunting lights from fires and powerlessness. I could use a little empathy with degradation and destruction. As I listen to the music of my angsty, angsty youth, I realize how far I've come from feeling that way. I'm in a great school, pursuing my dreams, I have obnoxiously supportive parents who just want me to be happy, a loving girlfriend who is gonna be here for my next Shabbat, piles of family-level-friends all over this broken, beautiful world.

Last week, I felt close to my classmates for maybe the first time. We were jumping into a dark, water tunnel and had no flashlights. And a wonderful, brave, supportive classmate told me I could do this. He would jump in first and just paint me a word picture. His bravery inspired me. His confidence in my assisted bravery inspired me. We bumped into other classmates and strangers and actually had a fun time in this tunnel. It didn't take much light from before me or behind me to see enough of him and this weird tunnel. It didn't take much light from him to create a different outcome for that event.

It wouldn't have taken much light from that affiliated representative to change the course of my evening. That's not how my evening went and that's fine. My wonderful girlfriend lit up my night. So did cookies, cereal and Irish beer. It's the small things. And I will be better prepared to remember to welcome the stranger, no matter how busy I am or how far membership is down, for I was a stranger in the Land of Israel.

And this song--from a band that is known for rapping about murder and necrophilia--captures a lot of what Judaism is. The longing for a Temple many of us don't care about. A constant battle with the darkness of history and the challenge of a tradition that seeks to mould us as we mould it. So even in the darkness we can find some sort of light to bring us out of it. But we would see, or seek that light if it weren't for the occasional darkness. And we'll never know when, and, where, and how that light will appear. So we need to be seeking it and creating it all the time.

"Darkness"

How come this wasted time is such a loss expressed on my side?
I'd give you everything if you just let me stand beside you
Your kind is so amused and still confused by what you live with
Your darkness just won't go away
Your light, it's time for you to shine on today
Nothing but darkness in me

[Chorus]
Darkness, night time
No moon in the sky tonight
Feeling like our lives been tucked away, today
Life is darkness, forever remain, and again

How come these things you say they always seem to grow and haunt me?
I'd give you everything if you just let me stand beside you
You seem to think that I would let things slide and have you change me
This darkness just won't go away
No light, inside for me to shine on today
Nothing but darkness in me

[Chorus x2]
Darkness, night time
No moon in the sky tonight
Feeling like our lives been tucked away, today
Life is darkness, forever remain, and again

And again [x15]

No light, inside for me to shine on today
Nothing but darkness in me

[Chorus]
Darkness, night time
No moon in the sky tonight
Feeling like our lives been tucked away, today
Life is darkness, forever remain, and again

azlyrics.com

PS They also have a rap about crows, the crows here are weird.