Dad, Where's the Goat?

So, a really old man takes his only legitimate son and the two boys that help out with the lawn and the farm, out on a camping trip. He separates the non-relations and goes off alone with his son for a while, say three days. He comes home, possibly without his son.

If you already know which bible section I'm about to pick on, you have an anecdotal to mastery of biblical literacy. The binding of Isaac is this big controversial passage, for Jews and Muslims and social services. Us Jews stand by it as the separation between human sacrifice and goat slaughter which helped the human species evolve as a culture or something.

I know there's a lot of talk about how many times G-d refers to Isaac as nice things. Isaac is Abraham's only (a politically correct translation would be favored) son, his beloved son. Say “son” again, his son. This is actually the first use of the word “Love” in the bible. This is supposedly to pump up how big a deal Abraham's faith in G-d is. I have always thought that G-d had to be really specific, because Abraham LOVED talking G-d out of shit. It's probably a little of both.

Some of you are worried that this is not the current Torah Portion and my game is off: this was my chapter translation in my Hebrew book, which is how I got such a close look at the lack of love and family that happens linguistically.

Everyone talks about how much the positive words are used, but no one has noted that Abraham, at one or two points calls or refers to Isaac as נער , nar is the same word used for those other two guys. Who, despite what a modern JPS says, are not literally servants. I'm sure that young men, or lads, or boys, were probably workers for Abraham because the Bible didn't have child labor laws.

I hate to say it, but I'm not sure Abraham loves Isaac outside of G-d. Some REALLY religious people just went “aww” but seriously? When Dad wasn't about to hatchet into son's neck, son is just another serving boy? You know who actually loved Isaac? Maybe G-d, because he didn't let Abraham faith-slaughter the kid but really, HIS MOM. She was kept out of the loop and it killed her.

Maybe Abraham failed the test and G-d only told him he won to keep him from killing his offspring. G-d will bless Abraham's lineage with many people...only because he's got living children to go and reproduce.

Just holy crap.

Pesach is NOT a fast day

Passover is coming and I cannot find that writing about not being like G-d. It had some cool stuff about how he hardened Pharaoh’s heart just to make G-d feel more powerful and how the Hebrews “borrowing” from their Egyptian neighbors and running out of town is in fact stealing. I'll continue searching.

In the meantime, let's make Passover better. Every year I kvetch constantly about the want of bread and it's bread-like stuff. I will continue to do so. Kvetching is as important to the holiday as is matzah or the story of Exodus or the Seder. However, the point is that we can survive with less than we have.

Dayeinu...is a form of thanks most noticed in a song of the same name. In it we thank G-d for giving us more than G-d had to: getting us out of slavery could have been enough, but G-d then took us out of Egypt and instead of just leaving us to fend for ourselves in the desert, gave us food and water...etc.

And at the end of 8 days, I realize it wasn't so bad. That being said as I planned my potential meals this pre-pesach week, I was planning beans and rice and peanuts and sunflower seeds and trying to remember why three to five years ago, I couldn't eat any Easter candy...kiniyot.

Kiniyot is one of those Orthodox, obsessive compulsive things. They think they've been building a fence to protect them from Chametz, when really they're causing others to starve. Like they won't eat green beans, because something that's related to a green bean could get ground up into a powder and then you think you're using the bean powder but really chametz has somehow ninja'd it's way into your mouth and leavened. It's too far, and luckily for me Rabbi's agree.

And this isn't just Reform, we-don't-want-to, lazy, half-jewish bullshit: this is a Conservative responsa, with real reasons and Talmudic quotes and everything.

The point is that Passover is NOT a fast Holiday. It is a Happy Holiday. G-d may liberate our people from carbs for a week, but certainly doesn't want us to starve.

Here's the responsum en full.

Eating Kitniyot (Legumes) on Pesach

(OH 453:1)

Question:
In light of the ingathering of the exiles, would it be possible to eliminate the Ashkenazic custom of not eating legumes on Pesach?

Responsum:
1) In our opinion it is permitted (and perhaps even obligatory) to eliminate this custom. It is in direct contradiction to an explicit decision in the Babylonian Talmud (Pesachim 114b) and is also in contradiction to the opinion of all the sages of the Mishnah and Talmud except one (R.Yochanan ben Nuri, Pesahim 35a and parallels). It also contradicts the theory and the practice of the Amoraim both in Babylonia and in Israel (Pesahim 114b and other sources), the Geonim (Sheiltot, Halakhot Pesukot, Halakhot Gedolot, etc.) and of most of the early medieval authorities in all countries (altogether more than 50 Rishonim!).

2) This custom is mentioned for the first time in France and Provence in the beginning of the thirteenth century by R. Asher of Lunel, R. Samuel of Falaise, and R. Peretz of Corbeil - from there it spread to various countries and the list of prohibited foods continued to expand. Nevertheless, the reason for the custom was unknown and as a result many sages invented at least eleven different explanations for the custom. As a result, R. Samuel of Falaise, one of the first to mention it, referred to it as a "mistaken custom" and R. Yerucham called it a "foolish custom".

3) Therefore, the main halakhic question in this case is whether it is permissible to do away with a mistaken or foolish custom. Many rabbinic authorities have ruled that it is permitted (and perhaps even obligatory) to do away with this type of "foolish custom" (R. Abin in Yerushalmi Pesahim, Maimonides, the Rosh, the Ribash, and many others). Furthermore, there are many good reasons to do away with this "foolish custom": a) It detracts from the joy of the holiday by limiting the number of permitted foods; b) It causes exorbitant price rises, which result in "major financial loss" and, as is well known, "the Torah takes pity on the people of Israel's money"; c) It emphasizes the insignificant (legumes) and ignores the significant (hametz, which is forbidden from the five kinds of grain); d) It causes people to scoff at the commandments in general and at the prohibition of hametz in particular - if this custom has no purpose and is observed, then there is no reason to observe other commandments; e) Finally, it causes unnecessary divisions between Israel's different ethnic groups. On the other hand, there is only one reason to observe this custom: the desire to preserve an old custom. Obviously, this desire does not override all that was mentioned above. Therefore, both Ashkenazim and Sephardim are permitted to eat legumes and rice on Pesah without fear of transgressing any prohibition.

4) Undoubtedly, there will be Ashkenazim who will want to stick to the "custom of their ancestors" even though they know that it is permitted to eat legumes on Pesah. To them we recommend that they observe only the original custom of not eating rice and legumes but that they use oil from legumes and all the other foods "forbidden" over the years, such as peas, beans, garlic, mustard, sunflower seeds, peanuts etc. Thus they will be able to eat hundreds of products, which bear the label "Kosher for Pesah for those who eat legumes." This will make their lives easier and will add joy and pleasure to their observance of Pesah.

Rabbi David Golinkin
Approved Unanimously 5749

Chag Sameach!

From Nothing to Something

So here's a blog...but not the one I've been telling people about (not being like G-d)...uh it's still seasonally appropriate but I must have blended the two in my brain...I'll do my best to find the one I've been actually thinking about...it is much more serious than this one (it has bible quotes). This one is nice and frivolous. Had I known I was thinking of two separate writings, I would have posted the serious one first and let you recover with this one...feel free to read them in reverse if I ever find the other one.

The analogy I'm about to build will be misplaced in several areas. The first being my discussion of Easter Egg Hunting. If I were a born-Jew, I might talk here about the Hiding of the Afikoman during the Pesach Seder, but I'm not and do not wish to pretend that I am; besides, I find many, multi-colored eggs much more exciting than matzah. My taxes are more exciting than matzah (and by that I mean dayeinu).

I am 23, and the Egg Hunt is one of the things I miss most about my gentile childhood (having in no way given up Halloween). The whole egg process is fun but the hunt is where it is at. Suddenly the living room and kitchen—the same as they always are—ALL YEAR—for as long as we lived there, are transformed. It's not the holiday or the eggs or their colors, but the fact that now there is potential and in 12, 18 or 36 (this is way too many for less than three kids by the way and twice as many as Dad actually put out...unknown to us) places....in those places there is something where once there was nothing.

With permission, I'll transfer to my point. Existence in any form: G-d, math, consciousness; eggs, is based upon the fact that there is something where there could be nothing. That is Creation. Did it evove from a bang or did G-d pop it there in G-dly ways? Did G-d pop the bang? For the rational-atheist, the egg is colored, found and eaten. For the believer the egg appears by magic [giant magic bunny]. Or in this case, literally and religiously, by my Bearded father. In the hunt—my dad waking up at the pre-crack of dawn to escond hard boiled, dyed eggs in the furniture, on painting frames, behind books and in cups....and then forget where they are, is no less powerful, mysterious and moving as a potentially sentient being creating, ordering and running (or forgetting about) the universe.

Whether a parent, a Giant Anthropomorphized Rabbit, Jesus, or G-d put the egg next the VCR—nothing changes that silly, frivolous, fantastical moment when something is where nothing was before.