Free and Alone

Why did I think I could just MOVE to a foriegn country? I am so naive. Panic attack...panic attack. I've cried; I've raged; I've changed my mind about 7,000 times. I'm going to miss my friends. Worry about them and my family. Miss my family. Possibly prove myself to be linguistically and generally incompetent. Or the school I'm supposed to teach at and/or the country does not exist. It's a dream.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ena-88qCWFE&feature=related

Except I'm going alone. As alone as I feel when I'm feeling skewed even though my friends are around. Actually alone. And I'm feeling those feelings I thought I'd already given up. Urges returning and looking at pictures only makes me want it more. I don't because I'm still playing the game (isn't everything just a game?) and I can hear year three's call echoing in my cortex. A more primal summons begs me from the base of my brain stem. I ignore it and blanket myself in my tension.

I breathe in fragile air like an aid ship passing cautiously into the war zone. The war that I'm fighting appears to be life and I'm feeling inadequate again.

The currents of destiny pull me toward them . I just hope that ignoring my sentimental hesitations doesn't leave me either brand of alone.

I think one of the big fears, yet unnamed. Is that my friends keep encouraging me to go. So often when I'm Down, I think that if I just disappeared from their lives, they wouldn't care. And even though I know they do care, their encouragement feels like I was right all along.

Also on my long list of irrational fears:

All the animals...and my friends won't remember me when I get back.

I won't be able to change my money to euro.

Something will happen and I'll never get back to the hemisphere that I should be on.

I'll forget how to be Jewish/part of a minyan.

I won't be able to navigate a city.

They don't have trees (even though I've seen them) in spain...see fear about country not existing.

They don't have cocoa or donuts.

People of the Book

People of The Book

As I try to prepare for my move abroad to teach so that I can make money and get experience and resumes and student loans to repair. I AM TERRIFIED. I'm scared because the school hasn't contacted me. I'm scared because I hate little kids. Because I'm kind of poor. AND I AM PISSED at a system that makes me think about shit like this. I should just be able to set out with a bag and travel the world. While I would, but “The Man” will no longer tolerate my sleeping in forests, or the idea of hospitality where I work on a farm for a day, having just showed up there, and they let me crash for the night. I'm going to miss my friends, my family, my city, my security. Anyway...

The title is an usually obvious and singular allusion to Jews but I'd like to expand it to the culture that has developed today. I've been reading a lot lately; it almost fills the void and makes me feel like I'm doing something with my time.

I believe that books and writing have become the most wide-spread religion of the world.

They're sacred to so many people. We can't burn them; we digitize their ways trying to extend their immortality. I'm guilty of the same even as I type right now.

Please do not mistake me: I am well read and value my literacy and the knowledge it's afforded me. And anyone who actively disdains reading will receive the sentiment tenfold from me. Yet.....I can't but wonder when I'm reading why I'm not building something or cultivating something or why I am not a ninja bad-ass warrior.

There are farmers in India cultivating and maintaining grain diversity who are not only generally intelligent but have a huge set of knowledge—they're illiterate.

If some apocalyptic change happens, be it the dread “Climate Change”, a war or even a zombie virus. Will these hours behind the paper help me survive? Will I be able to fix our car or walk without water or fight or farm? I'm just sick of the perpetuating, intellectual masturbation and think that we should all be more well-rounded.