"My promise, my vow even, to sing every song I knew and read all the extra readings that I can, has been broken, much like my soul broke a little when I tried to sing Hinei Ma Tov. It IS good when brothers and sisters gather...I also avoid any extra readings with community basis or familial, Jewish joy.
It is not as if I live in a shtetl. I certainly don't go to shul every week, nor even every week that it is offered. Sometimes I have other things to do. But even if I spend the day with my gentile friends watching zombie movies or something, it feels more Jewish. As the result of my epic derekh ha-eretz, most of my friends express themselves almost as righteous gentiles in my life. They have their own Judaism. For many of them this is limited to an increase in use of the word “schlep” and the vague sensation that they had an awesome time at Purim, but that remains a connection between my life, my heart, and Judaism. Here, when I say “rabina” they think I don't speak Spanish. I never thought I would crave the cultural diversity of Marquette, or even Mayville. Aside from the two black kids (I'm pretty sure they're brothers) and the one second grader who might be Asian, everyone here is pretty much the same. I've never been somewhere so homogenous. And as I try to bury my various forms of loneliness in study and research, I loose the world I'm supposed to engage in. What good is study if it only stews within my mind?
I'm going to continue to skip the passages centered around how good moments of togetherness are and quickly move on after skipping Hinei Ma Tov in order to avoid tainting Shabbos with sadness. However, the royal 'we' shall return to my prayers because Israel is a we, even if I can only feel the lonely me. That's the beauty of Judaism.
Although I was sad when I realized that Jerusalem is not the magnet I though it was. It is really exciting to turn in a different direction to pray; I now turn South-East. And I remember how magical it felt to be in Jerusalem and know that everyone who was praying was facing toward where I was. Fuckin' time zones ruined everything. It's still a magical shared point, but I now realized that even if I get my daven on two hours earlier AT sunset like a good Jew, I'm only sharing that moment with like half of observant Jewry instead of all of it. Sure, maybe someone is doing their morning prayers while I'm Kabbalat Shabbating, but it's like when Santa Clause became a metaphor for people sucking less mid-winter. Magical, yeah, but still not a guy flying around the world with real magic, spreading joy. Although, I once theorized as a wee-lass that time zones would help him make the trip in one night.
I guess the point of this religious ramble was that the we language is central to Judaism, not to remind me that I'm in the least-Jewish, non-Arab nation in the world, but to remind me that because I am a Jew, no matter how alone I am, I am never alone. It does not really make me feel better, but maybe I'll stop trying to fuck with the liturgy for a bit.
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