As we struggle to be more normative, we often fall victim to the sin of leaving folks behind. As a moderately asexual lesbian who loves micro-agression as if it were softball, I'd like to address polyamory and maybe its influences and interactions with my aforementioned asexuality.
Back in the day, impoverished black people struggled to emulate white behavior, proving they could "fit in." Today many queer (which I use as an umbrella term denoting community active, conscientious peoples usually occupying the GLBTQAAI etc. sphere) try to "fit in" by getting married, having babies and constructing middle class picket prison fences. If this is the passion, chase it down and own it as your own, but is it the passion or is it the norm? So today we bridge the gap by having "committed, monogamous, one-on-one relationships."
I am NOT the polyamory master--I'm not really an amory master of any kind. I can say that, although it ended poorly (so often we neglect the "sane" part of "Safe, Sane and Consentual"), I think the time I dated a straight identified couple was one of the best relationships of my life.
Long before the touting of homosexual penguins, we used to hear about how this or that animal "mated for life." SWEET MOSES, why was that espoused as the epitome of relationship? And why are we always so proud if animals conform to our standards and norms? As member to a species that is actively destroying this glorious kingdom o' G-d, I'm not sure that human is the model we should be following. What about all of the whore species that have multiple, not lasting, partners?
Maybe just because I don't feel the specific click with males, does not have to signify that I don't want strong manly arms to hug me if I'm scared. And what if my best female friend is "into the cock" but still wants to be logistically and emotionally committed to me? And what if living together makes the rape of renting a livable expense?!! Is my sin so great?
As a late bloomer who for a long time question celibacy as a life choice, I was most pressured into sex by my friends. Teased sometimes, but most often in conversation I became a meaningless, non-participant because I did not belong to--what became to me, the secret club.
And even as I fought to "fit in" I knew that if I'd had sex finally, I would still be regulated away because it was with a girl instead of a guy.
My next relationship would be one-on-one which was difficult because I'm in the habit of being emotionally despondent and this time there was not an extra party to pick up my slack. And as long as we timed our freak outs to not correspond, there use to be two people with different life experiences to take care of you and help any problem that came up. Even with a girlfriend, I feel lonely.
"Did you have sex with them?"
FOR THE SAKE of polyamorous and asexual education, the answer is no. However, I consistently felt myself to be participatory in the broader scale of sex-life. Post-coital cuddle puddles are inclusive domain.
My brain has some sort of episode when I'm asked that question. My very core screams "THAT'S NOT THE POINT!" Much like as a modern, liberal, reform Jew, I feel that proving every minute, fantastical point in the biblical narratives is counterproductive to the point of their tellings.
Why does sex have to be the be-all, end-all of relationship definition? Why do we need relationship definition? If I, as a lesbian am happy with my boyfriend and girlfriend in tow--does it really matter?
They first attracted me by being two of the too few people who didn't degrade me for my v-card status but still encouraged potential, healthy sexual development. Am I asexual? If we can actually grip sexuality as a continuum, then sometimes, yes, that term is an appropriate descriptor of how I feel. I'm also a lesbian who is open to logistical relationships with boys and please try to picture the shit I took for that within our 'community'. I might have well sold my soul to Fred Phelps the shit I took.
Do I want to get married and have a picket fence? Quite a lot sometimes (see I'm a Kitty). Occasionally, I even picture some sort of baby monster in it. But in the end what I need is to not feel pressured about how I use ore don't use this body-temple and to not feel pressured about whom I love as long as I am happy and safe.
No comments:
Post a Comment